TIME

Time is passing so quickly still. Today it is two months since my Tom left. There is so much I miss about him. There is so much I still can't feel. There is still so much I don't understand about this thing called grieving.

Grieving requires the present moment, quiet, smells, sounds, phrases, memories, stillness and bravery. I can feel grief begin to take residence in my soul. It sits down and starts to spread itself about. It begins in a corner and then kind of works itself along my walls. So far I haven't been brave enough to let it get too comfortable. When it starts to feel too heavy I quickly busy myself with some task or involve myself with some person. There is still to much to do to let this thing take hold. I admit I am afraid of it. I know I can not run from it forever. I just need a little more time to complete the list of things I have to do. Thank you notes, meetings with lawyers, tracking down necessary documents, figuring out what I should be looking for for Tom's Business Tax Return. There isn't time for this just yet.


I am afraid of being immobilized. Me, the energizer Bunny. What will I do? What if grief won't move out? What if it stays as my companion? Every time I have to remove his name from an account, or call to cancel a charge or notify yet one more business of Tom's death, I feel like I am erasing him bit by bit. I do not want my memories to be erased too. I want to always be able to see his smile. I want to remember the feel of his hand on mine. I want to be able to smell his scent. Time has a way of erasing these memories as well.





The photos at left capture what we had. These were taken in Gwinn, MI on the day Evelyn
was baptized. We posed for the first shot but the second was captured as we laughed in our familiar way. The last one is just a peck, a reminder of the bond that held us.







These are the things I miss the most. The years of togetherness and the sharing of our lives. How lucky we were.



Until next time.....Always, Kathleen

Three Little Words

Did I tell you the last words Tom said to me where, "I love you". How many people get the chance to say their goodbyes the way we did. I'm not certain we really understood that it was our final goodbye, but nonetheless it was.

These are some photos of sunsets he's been sending me. It can be the bleakest of days and then at about 8:30 p.m. I go to the balcony and there he is. Shining all this beauty at me, calling hello to me, whispering "I love you."

The morning I flew back from Florida to Michigan, the kids and I stopped for brunch. On the wall above our table was the photo you see below. An artist snapped a photo using scrabble letters. I looked up, saw it, and could hear Tom. I said, "I want to buy that," but it was already sold. My daughter-in-law Becka contacted the artist and she and David bought it and gave it to me for my 65th birthday . It was a month later and I'd forgotten all about it. What a great surprise! It had therapeutic powers as well. It induced some much needed crying that I have difficulty generating myself. So now, everyday I get to see those words I heard.

I'm still having trouble sleeping. I awake two to three times a night. This morning I tossed for an hour and then fell back to sleep. I had the best dream about Tom. At the end, we were sitting in one of his older cars, he was dressed in a suit and his Burberry raincoat, I was dressed up. He put his arm around me, pulled me to him and kissed me just the way he used to. He was healthy, no Parkinson's, he was "my Tom". I woke up and felt so happy that he had been so near, that it had felt so real. It gave me that old feeling I used to have with him before Parkinson's.....that feeling of safety, of being cared for. It felt
like he was telling me that yes indeed, all is well.

Until next time........Always, Kathleen

Tip of the Iceberg

There are no pictures to describe where I am right now. I don't think I even have words to describe this place. The tip of the iceberg says it the best I think.

I am in Chicago with my best friend Kathy McDonald. Her Mother Nell died peacefully yesterday just short of her 104th birthday. I am so glad I could be with her for this time. We came on Tuesday knowing Nell was declining. We decided on Wednesday night to extend our stay. We knew if we didn't we would just be turning around and coming back soon.

We have all been wondering for a long time what Nell's purpose for still being here could possibly be. But one by one different people who have been in her life shared their thoughts. Then yesterday morning standing at her bedside I felt her gift to me. Tears for Tom. Almost the first one's I've been able to shed since that first week he died. Now they weren't profuse(as mine never are), but nonetheless they were there and they were real.

Late this afternoon I began feeling a heaviness in my heart. That feeling of anxiety that frequents me when I am hurting or afraid. Today's feeling are from hurting. Tears still won't come but I'm beginning to feel the sadness I've expected all along. It sat down right on my lap and I knew I just needed to be by myself. Kathy sensed my need, and she may have it herself, so she is off for a drive and I'm in our room. I am trying to feel a little more so I can cry a little more. I feel raw. I am missing that comfortable space Tom and I shared. I miss my Tom.

This is the tip of the iceberg. I want to keep my eyes open, my senses sharpened so I don't miss what's underneath that tip. I want to go around it and absorb it, but please God, don't let me crash into it. Tom, you help me navigate this course, just like you did on the road. I love you.

Until next time.....as always, Kathleen

Memories

Here it is my 65th Birthday and no Tom to celebrate it with me:( Tom always made my Birthday so special. He insisted on celebrating birthdays on the actual date. That was never an important thing to me. Just so people I loved remembered me and acknowledged me I didn't care when it happened. But not my hubby. Always it was on the 29th. It wasn't just my birthday he was so fussy about, it was everyone.

When we first met I started a tradition. I planned a "Mystery Trip" for him. His birthday was July 22nd and we would take three to four day excursions. He never knew where we were going. We'd get in the car and I'd give him directions. He loved doing those trips. He loved being fussed over and pampered and I did a lot of that for him over the years. Soon he was doing the same for my birthday. The trips he planned for me often involved a plane flight and driving. We tried to out do each other each year.

I had to throw in these photos. These were common at our house. He'd always deny that he was sleeping while watching yet another rerun of CSI or Law and Order. Frankly who wouldn't be put to sleep by all those repeats! That's my brother Jack snoozing next to him. The men in our family tend to assume "the position" almost as soon as they sit on the couch. My son David is really the champion at this and Tom and Jack just took up the challenge to see if they could fall asleep faster than him. So far David is still the champion!


So I turn 65 and I'll have to settle for being with my Tom at a sunset. Or perhaps in the sighting of a butterfly. But whatever, or wherever I am, I know he'll be with me, if only in Spirit.

Good night my love, sweet dreams my love.......

Until next time.......Always, Kath/Kathleen

















The smile that lit up a room!

Rembering

It's been almost a month since Tom died. I move through my days and wait for the sadness and pain to begin. Each day ends and nothing has been felt. I'm told this is normal. But what is normal now?

Each day I talk to his picture at my bedside while I make the bed. Each night I tell him about my day and ask his opinion on issues I'm dealing with as I turn down the covers.

He doesn't answer out loud, but usually the next morning, as I begin my day, a solution will come to me as clearly as if someone is whispering into my ear.

I see him in the fabulous sunsets that are a panoramic view from my balcony. I smell him on some of his clothes which I've chosen to keep. I miss him at breakfast. But still there is no grief yet. I did my share of crying when all this first happened. Down in Naples, where he loved to be. After a few days though, I think I went numb. I make list and tick of the accomplished tasks. I meet with friends who care so much. I exercise. I am going on with my life but I can't understand why I am not yet grieving. I guess it will come soon enough and then my question will be, "when will this be over?"

I receive cards daily. Emails with stories about him. Every one of them warm my heart. The best part is knowing there were so many people who knew and liked/loved him too.

I really do feel like he is just around the corner. Maybe the grief will come when I don't feel that anymore.

Until next time........Always, Kathleen

An Ordinary Day

Tom's fall happened on a Monday. Just an ordinary day. We had our 3 hour breakfast. We read the morning paper. We sat in the comfort of each other's silence. We made plans for our day. We went to the gym. He worked out with his trainer. We came home and had lunch. He sat on the porch and read. I packed more suitcases for our pending departure. Then, he went into the kitchen for a snack. His favorite Cashew Nuts from Costco. Then he lost his balance and an ordinary day became anything but that. Tom died on a Tuesday.
I keep remembering our last moments. I knew he was dying. I spoke it aloud to him. I thanked him for the life we shared and told him I loved him. His last words to me were "I'm not dying" and " I love you too." I held him in my arms until EMS arrived. I think his last conscious moments were in my arms.

And when I look back on this Ordinary Day, I find it so hard to believe that it has now become our last day. The last breakfast. The last workout. The last lunch. The last "I love you". I see that often in the "Ordinary" there is often the "Extraordinary". A life well lived. Moments to treasure. Smiles that said he was happy. But most of all, last moments that I will hold in my heart forever. My wonderful Tom had a beautiful death.

I don't think it is real to me quite yet. I keep wanting to tell him something as soon as I hear it. I almost taped our favorite TV show last night so he could watch it when he got home. I have to stop myself from preparing two bowls of fresh fruit. I keep waiting for his number to appear on my caller ID. I wait to hear him say, "Can you help me with this?"

He keeps sending me these magnificent sunsets. Right to my balcony. I can not look at a sunset without feeling him next to me. Yesterday he sent me a rainbow in the early morning. Wherever I see or feel sun, I will feel my Tom. Right now I feel it in my heart.

Until next time.....always,

Kathleen

Kind and Gentle Man

It is hard to believe that Tom is gone. Here one minute, reading , snacking, enjoying Florida, and yes of course wondering "what's for dinner".

His parting was quick, surprising, unprepared for and so sad. Done in by a fall. A dangerous step back and a turn of the foot. A loud cracking sound, a warning of what was coming. He was alert. Shaken a bit, but able to get himself up. An immediate trip to the ER for a check up and a CT scan. Exiting the ER feeling safe. Lucky once more. Beat another one! He commented that he felt like a cat with nine lives. We didn't realize this was number 9. We would only know that 45 minutes later.




The demise of a person can be as quick as a blink. That's what we did, blink and eat pizza. The last meal we would share. The terror of what was happening enveloped me. Me, the nurse, who can seldom keep a cool head when it involves those she loves. Somehow I was able to stop long enough to ask God to once again gather me in His palm. This was beyond me and I knew it. I prayed for peace and a calm mind so I could make the best decisions possible. God once again pulled through and I was able to see the reality of what faced us rather than the magical thinking of what might be if there could only be a miracle.




The Miracle came in that it was a quick and I think painless death. A Chaplin came and prayed and we gathered together to hold Tom in the love we had for him. Within a half hour he was gone. No more suffering. So quick. So unbelievably sudden. So unbelievable.


We have had a wonderful winter together. We had strengthened our friendships with neighbors and Michigan friends who winter here as well. We had a wonderful visit with Evelyn, Tom's precious girl. How he loved her! We sat poolside reading nearly every day. We had our incredibly long breakfast every morning. Enjoying the comfort of each others company mostly in silence. Reading the daily paper. Stretching out coffee, fruit, eggs and toast into a 2 to 3 hours of routine. We both loved our breakfast together.


A.T. Winterfield was a class act. He was a kind, quiet, ethical man. He brought so much joy to my life.
He taught me so much and helped me to grow in so many ways. The past few years have been difficult.
He has faced so many health challenges. Each new problem was examined, read about, and then embraced by him as part of life. The cards that were dealt. But always he found the things he could do to make it a little better. He was willing to try anything that could improve his quality, make him stronger. A quitter he was not.




So my beautiful man, whose smile lit up a room, I send you off. I release you to a better place. I'm sure you are near me unencumbered by a body that tried to hold you in place. I hope you are getting reacquainted with others who have loved you and left before you. But be aware that there are many of us here who are hurting, missing and grieving you. Stay a little close by, just for awhile. Let me feel your hand rest on mine while I drive. Keep me company when I feel alone.
You were never a big talker so maybe I can just look at your familiar chair and make believe you are in the kitchen looking for a "snack", leaving crumbs on the counter.

I love you very much and miss you so much already and you've only been gone a day.

Your wife, Kath

Joyful Days

It's been such a strange season. I have been so absent from emails and my blog site. Did some reflecting about it a couple of days ago. I'm not sure I have an answer. It's been a good year, but a very different one. It seems my "work" this year has been on my physical self. Don't misunderstand, I haven't really done a magnificent transformation. But for over four months I have been disciplined enough to exercise on a regular basis. Now for those of you who know me well, you know this is huge. I am a woman of inertia, at least I used to be. In support of my husband Tom, I began going to the gym with him. The Neurologist we see in Florida made it very clear that it is mandatory that Tom keep moving. So, together we began this incredible journey. I have not seemed to loose any weight, but boy I feel good. I have managed to build muscles and tone up. I lift weights, do balance exercises, and ride a bike and use the treadmill. Average time at the gym is about an hour and a half 5-6 days a week. I'm off of all my anti-inflammatory medication. Even my back is greatly improved. We had a wonderful visit with our very own "Little Miss Sunshine". Lara, Brian and Evelyn were here for 8 days. As you can see, she is no longer a baby, but a pretty little girl. She will be three in July. She can converse with anyone and does! She is quite the little tease and jokester. I think it has rubbed off on her. You know how our family is, and her Dad is another story! We head back to Michigan in two weeks. I'm ready. Gonna start getting ready to leave a little every day. Not saving up until the end! Looking forward to seeing all of you. Miss you all. Until next time......Always, Kathleen

Christmas 2010

No pictures at present. Just haven't gotten around to that this trip. Today is Christmas and I'm missing family terribly. Being away, lacking decorations and any hustle and bustle makes this feel like any other day of the year.

We tried Christmas Mass. We went to St. Peter the Apostle Catholic Church last night. The decor was beautiful, the music good, all the familiar carols. But as usual the "sermon" disappointing. I love the ritual of my old church. The prayers, and standing, kneeling, singing, the smells that I grew up with. But the other thing that has remained the same is the lack of message. I know not everyone can be a "preacher", but come on, how can this lack of inspiration be so pervasive. I can't believe the Church as we know it can survive. It needs to change and it needs to do more than turn the altar around. I learn so much more about God and His love from the people in my life than from my old teacher. I think, no, I know I am in a different place. I have walked beyond what organized religion has to offer me. I think I have to be my own compass now. I guess "The Church" was my stepping stone. Another old familiar thing that I will say goodbye to.

I look about me and see the imbalance in humanity. I see the suffering and wonder how can this be fair? Is the person who is suffering a deformity here to teach me compassion. Has his or her soul chosen this experience to become more Godlike? Is this how they have chosen to be in service to others? What am I doing for my growth? Where am I supposed to be? Am I going the right way? Am I present to you? Am I wasting the gift of my time? Just questions that I am thinking about. How is it that those who can reach out to the masses don't ask any questions? My guess is they aren't thinking......

Until next time.......As always, Kathleen

Photos of exterior of our new place

Chapter 5

It is difficult to believe that in the beginning of August, I was unsure if I could get our house on McMillan listed this summer.

The house made the Multi-Listing by 8/18 and was sold by 8/27.

My earlier trepidation has now turned to excitement as we learned this morning that our offer on 3502 Country Club Drive has been accepted.

The pictures posted are limited views of what we think is a terrific place. I will post more pictures after I finish writing.

We should be able to be in our new home about 4 weeks before we leave for Florida. The work we want to do is cosmetic in nature. It will be a wonderful feeling to be able to turn a key and walk away to spend 5 wonderful months in Florida. We will return to a new adventure.

We are going to take some of our favorite pieces of furniture with us. We'll be replacing couches and chairs for a whole new look. We'll keep you updated as Chapter 5 develops. Wish us well and please plan on visiting. We will have the room and a pool!

Until next time, as always........Kathleen

Turning the Page

Saying goodbye has always been difficult for me. I'm one of those sentimental people who gets attached to people and things and places. Especially houses. I have only lived in three houses in my life. My Mom and Dad's on Kingsville, my first house in St. Clair Shores, and now my house with Tom, known as McMillan.


We are getting ready to put the for sale sign on the lawn. The formal step of signing papers takes place on Tuesday evening. I love this house, the neighbors, my wonderful front porch, the memories we've made there.
It is no longer a practical place to be though. It is too big. It costs to much for the amount of time we spend there. We are getting more and more in need of a place with everything on one level. We have both arrived at the place in our life when we fully realize we don't need everything we own and have accumulated. Slowly the purging has been taking place, picking up speed in the past two days.

On Friday my friend Barb Eppert donated her time and we began the basement purge. Today my daughter Ann came and we pretty much completed the daunting task. What is it about basements? They become the holding area of all the things we can't say goodbye to right at this moment. We place them in an empty spot, a shelf, a box, a cupboard, a closet. We lower the lid, close the door and we don't look again. This thing we can't part with has now become a part of the wall, the bottom of a box, a thing we walk by and never really see again. Suddenly there comes the day when urgency demands you look. What is it you see? Something you know you don't want to move to yet another place. Something you totally forgot was there. Something someone else could have been using. So now, you begin the piles. Throw out, recycle, donate, garage sale, give away to a friend. It takes hours of your time. You are exhausted. But guess what? Even though you are aching, even though you want to simply shower and lay down; you notice a lightness in your spirit. Your breath comes easier. You ask yourself, was this "stuff" holding me down, holding me back? Why did it mean something yesterday but it really doesn't today?


I can't deny I am feeling sad, a little apprehensive. But I believe that once again, I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to do. I trust that my Higher Power will support me through this time. I trust that I will be led to make the right decisions. I trust that I have Someone to trust in, if I am only open to it. I turn this page to begin yet another chapter. I challenge all of you to start the purge, feel the lightness, breath easier, live more. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for where I am in my life. Until next time.....Always, Kathleen

MY SUMMER

Here we are, midway through summer. How did this happen? My days start and end with a blink of the eye. Each day is full of new wonder and so much appreciation for all the blessings in my life. I have finally reached a spot where I am just so comfortable and content. I never imagined I could feel so complete, but I do.

Tom and I are making decisions that are changing a lot about our lives. We are in many ways living more simply. It takes very little to make us happy. We are content in the company of one another as we step along our life path. We sit in quiet in quiet of morning as we share our slow paced breakfast. Our breakfast feels like dinner in Italy. We can drag out fruit, cereal and toast as if it were a seven course meal. All while reading the little that there is in the morning paper.
We are spending more and more time at our cottage in Amherstburg, Canada. I sleep like a log there and feel no particular rush to do anything. Slowly I am working at making it more of a home. Landscaping is taking hold and flowers now deck the porches. Our picnic table is out on the pavers, a welcome spot that hasn't seen the outdoor light in at least 5 years. Sunsets and cloud watching have become a pastime. The sky is an ever changing thing on the Great Lakes, our home being on Lake Erie.

We've managed to tuck in visits with Evelyn and our big kids in the UP. In fact they are coming here in just two more weeks. And then, we are going there just two weeks later. How great to be free to pick up and go when we feel like it. We do more and more of that as we get older. Reminding each other that we should do it now, while we still can.


Evelyn has brought so much joy to our lives. She just turned two on July 2nd and had a great family party. She is beautiful, bright, bouncing,

and every other wonderful adjective you can think of. She is sheer entertainment and has the humor that is indicative of our family.

Well more about Evelyn's Birthday and her antics on another day.

I'm still here, still living my life, still searching, but think I may have found myself.

Until next time......Always, Kathleen