Sunday, May 29, 2011

Memories


Here it is my 65th Birthday and no Tom to celebrate it with me:( Tom always made my Birthday so special. He insisted on celebrating birthdays on the actual date. That was never an important thing to me. Just so people I loved remembered me and acknowledged me I didn't care when it happened. But not my hubby. Always it was on the 29th. It wasn't just my birthday he was so fussy about, it was everyone.

When we first met I started a tradition. I planned a "Mystery Trip" for him. His birthday was July 22nd and we would take three to four day excursions. He never knew where we were going. We'd get in the car and I'd give him directions. He loved doing those trips. He loved being fussed over and pampered and I did a lot of that for him over the years. Soon he was doing the same for my birthday. The trips he planned for me often involved a plane flight and driving. We tried to out do each other each year.

I had to throw in these photos. These were common at our house. He'd always deny that he was sleeping while watching yet another rerun of CSI or Law and Order. Frankly who wouldn't be put to sleep by all those repeats! That's my brother Jack snoozing next to him. The men in our family tend to assume "the position" almost as soon as they sit on the couch. My son David is really the champion at this and Tom and Jack just took up the challenge to see if they could fall asleep faster than him. So far David is still the champion!


So I turn 65 and I'll have to settle for being with my Tom at a sunset. Or perhaps in the sighting of a butterfly. But whatever, or wherever I am, I know he'll be with me, if only in Spirit.

Good night my love, sweet dreams my love.......

Until next time.......Always, Kath/Kathleen

















The smile that lit up a room!
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Monday, May 23, 2011

Rembering












It's been almost a month since Tom died. I move through my days and wait for the sadness and pain to begin. Each day ends and nothing has been felt. I'm told this is normal. But what is normal now?

Each day I talk to his picture at my bedside while I make the bed. Each night I tell him about my day and ask his opinion on issues I'm dealing with as I turn down the covers.
He doesn't answer out loud, but usually the next morning, as I begin my day, a solution will come to me as clearly as if someone is whispering into my ear.

I see him in the fabulous sunsets that are a panoramic view from my balcony. I smell him on some of his clothes which I've chosen to keep. I miss him at breakfast. But still there is no grief yet. I did my share of crying when all this first happened. Down in Naples, where he loved to be. After a few days though, I think I went numb. I make list and tick of the accomplished tasks. I meet with friends who care so much. I exercise. I am going on with my life but I can't understand why I am not yet grieving. I guess it will come soon enough and then my question will be, "when will this be over?"

I receive cards daily. Emails with stories about him. Every one of them warm my heart. The best part is knowing there were so many people who knew and liked/loved him too.

I really do feel like he is just around the corner. Maybe the grief will come when I don't feel that anymore.

Until next time........Always, Kathleen

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

An Ordinary Day

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vn-h0TIGGd4/TcLwq4yMrtI/AAAAAAAAQhk/JhrLDYvwtjc/s1600/Evelyns+Vist+to+Florida+2011+165.JPG Tom's fall happened on a Monday. Just an ordinary day. We had our 3 hour breakfast. We read the morning paper. We sat in the comfort of each other's silence. We made plans for our day. We went to the gym. He worked out with his trainer. We came home and had lunch. He sat on the porch and read. I packed more suitcases for our pending departure. Then, he went into the kitchen for a snack. His favorite Cashew Nuts from Costco. Then he lost his balance and an ordinary day became anything but that. Tom died on a Tuesday.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jZxsB5AgmFE/TcLwrCdsUUI/AAAAAAAAQhs/HvGLSt2Iy0A/s1600/Evelyns+Vist+to+Florida+2011+056.JPGI keep remembering our last moments. I knew he was dying. I spoke it aloud to him. I thanked him for the life we shared and told him I loved him. His last words to me were "I'm not dying" and " I love you too." I held him in my arms until EMS arrived. I think his last conscious moments were in my arms.


And when I look back on this Ordinary Day, I find it so hard to believe that it has now become our last day. The last breakfast. The last workout. The last lunch. The last "I love you". I see that often in the "Ordinary" there is often the "Extraordinary". A life well lived. Moments to treasure. Smiles that said he was happy. But most of all, last moments that I will hold in my heart forever. My wonderful Tom had a beautiful death.


I don't think it is real to me quite yet. I keep wanting to tell him something as soon as I hear it. I almost taped our favorite TV show last night so he could watch it when he got home. I have to stop myself from preparing two bowls of fresh fruit. I keep waiting for his number to appear on my caller ID. I wait to hear him say, "Can you help me with this?"

He keeps sending me these magnificent sunsets. Right to my balcony. I can not look at a sunset without feeling him next to me. Yesterday he sent me a rainbow in the early morning. Wherever I see or feel sun, I will feel my Tom. Right now I feel it in my heart.

Until next time.....always,

Kathleen
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