THE BUTTONS

 It seems like forever since I've written.  Interestingly enough I'm at the cottage.  The place that last prompted an entry.  Eight months have passed and truly I had nothing to say. 

One thing I know is true.  Each person's journey through grief is different.  Don't late anyone fool you that there is a definite pattern.  Places you will visit in your darkest moments.  There is no map.  There is no right way and no wrong way.  This I know. 

Tom's death was sudden, unexpected, in the wrong place(or so it seemed).  I felt little, I couldn't figure it out.  How could the end of a relationship that lasted for 26 years, feel like nothing?  How could the love of my life, leaving so quickly,  not feel like I had lost an arm or some other part of ME?  But there I was going on.  And on and on.  Seldom any tears.  Then just a welling up that never went anywhere. 
 And then on Thursday evening I returned to the cottage.  The first time this year.  While watching TV at night I looked up and saw a collage I made last year.  It is full of Tom, Tom and I, Tom and Grandkids but most of all full of so many wonderful memories.  And suddenly I remembered that we had had so many wonderful years.  Twenty-three with good health.  The last three had a lot of deterioration and many physical limitations.  Today on the thirteenth month anniversary of his death I had a revlation.  I realized that for the past year I was healing myself.  I had turned off so much of my feelings the previous three years that I was on idle.  I had to be there for Tom mentally and physically.  He could not see me crumble, while he dealt with the awful losses that Parkinson's was leaving him with.  So I turned of my "feel button" and I fine tuned my "care/give button."  Some days that button needed more fine tuning that I could master, but on most days it was working.  And then he fell and it was over in a matter of hours.  For the life of me I could not find my "feel" button.  So I spent the past year with my "care/give" button still on but redirected towards me.  I began eating better.  I exercise 4-5 days a week.  I sleep 8-9 hours a night.  I lost 15 pounds. I've done everything I've wanted to when I've wanted to. I've said no when I needed to.  Now that phase has been completed.  Today I found my "feel" button.  I turned it to ON.

Today I spoke with three women who are close to me.  They are women who know and understand me and knew Tom and I together.  I was able to share this new insight.  And in the simple telling the tears came.  The first time a little haltingly.  The second a little more quickly.  The third a full fledged "cry".  A gift.  Tears to heal the empty part that has now become appearant.  A part I could not feel, or see, or even imagine this past year.  All I needed to do was find that damn button. 

Until next time.....Always, Kathleen