Thursday, September 18, 2008

Keeping My Balance

I'm not sure exactly how I let it happen....but I am out of "balance". You know what I'm talking about don't you? Mind/Body/Spirit out of sync. In the past couple of months I somehow forgot to take care of me. I didn't tell anyone what I needed, least of all myself.

It all kind of hit me last weekend. Jack and I closed on our Mom's house on Friday. I was really down in the dumps last weekend. A wave of grief just overtook me. I shouldn't have been surprised by any of it. I felt myself tiring, feeling unmotivated, indecisive. Then boom, on Sunday a meltdown. Poor Tom didn't know what to do for me. Heck, I didn't know.

Finally by Tuesday I had a handle on it. First thing I did on Tuesday was make myself start walking again. I'd been faithful to a morning walk ever since Mom died. I had so much pent up stress after she passed that it only made sense to work it off. I felt good doing it and most importantly it was my time, all mine. The mornings are beautiful in this neighborhood, quiet, no traffic, beautiful landscapes. On Tuesday's walk I decided to take three days for myself. Alone time. Time for restoration, solitude, reflection. Tom kindly agreed to give me my space and he set off for the cottage. I started this morning. Walk, journaling, prayer and meditation, breakfast and then off to Tantra Spa for a massage and a facial. Back home for more quiet time. Made a great dinner. Turned the phones back on at 5pm and came up to the computer at 8:30pm. Tomorrow I'm doing much of the same....well okay, no massage or facial. (I did have 2 gift certificates for that indulgence!)

This was the first time I have done something like this alone. When I was in high school we used to have "days of reflection", but it was always in a group. I've gone away with my best friend for a "mini retreat" at the Adrian Dominican Motherhouse, but again I had companionship. This was new and took some discipline. I had to actually shut off the ringers on my house phone...too hard to not peek to see who was calling. The cell I turned off. Same with the computer. Too easy to run to for diversion.

So, hopefully the next time I see you or talk to you I will have learned something about myself. Perhaps I will be a little more grounded, living more in the present moment(since that's all we really experience, the past and future are just in our minds). Don't be surprised though if I have my arms out stretched and I'm teetering side to side...I'll just be trying to keep my balance!

"When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world." (Eckhart Tolle; Stillness Speaks 2003;page3)


Until next time....always, Kathleen
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